He showed me someone that I had actively held on to unforgiveness towards. Every time I thought of this person it seemed that I could recall every instance in our lives where their behaviour had upset me. Reliving those memories meant I could justify holding on to my hurt, bafflement and anger. Or did it? Their actions hurt my own children, and that actually added to my sense of outrage.
I absolutely believe, as a Christian writer, in applying the word you receive to yourself first before you can release it to anyone else. This is why I’ve tried to be honest about where I am, and how God has lead me to the knowledge and truth through his word as it says in 2 Timothy 3:16. This chapter is one such example which I pray will be profitable to you. God deals with each of us in different ways as He knows us all intimately as it says in Psalm 139 verses 1-4. This chapter is how He led me to forgive others.
As I was sitting before Father one morning, as is my habit, I was meditating on Psalm 51:10-12 again as I have often been led back to it: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” This morning, though, He brought to mind a specific person and the relationship I had with them. I realised that I hadn’t been honest with myself about the relationship and held on to unforgiveness and judgement. I had been blinded to this fact that seemed so obvious once Father had shown me. Faith is all about choices though. Just because I had been shown this didn’t mean that the situation was sorted out. I had to choose to allow Holy Spirit to walk with me through what had just been revealed and repent. Father makes allowances for situations just like these when the blinders come off and we see the truth: “However, if we confess and repent of our sins our God and Father is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
The word also says:
Ephesians 4:2
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Matthew 7:2-5
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
The verses in Matthew 7 above chased me over a few days. I’ve written about forgiveness and even looked to God to show me the areas I needed to apply this to my life. I pray Psalm 50:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” and Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any way offensive in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”. I know that Jesus Christ is Lord of my life. He has placed His Holy Spirit, who is also God, within me as a seal and a promise (2 Corinthians 1:22). Even so, it still took some time for me to sit still long enough to be shown I had a problem.
I pray these prayers and I mean them. I have an expectation that God will move. I want to hear and obey His Spirit when He fulfils those words in my life. So, this is what I prayed the day God opened my eyes to show me something that needed to be dealt with:
“How can I exhort and encourage others if I myself am not clean before You? Start with me, Lord. Show me the ‘wrong ways’ within me, You who know all of me. God and are not surprised but grieved by them so that I can seek You in repentance and help to change. Lord. I need you.”
And so He did.
He showed me someone that I had actively held on to unforgiveness towards. Every time I thought of this person it seemed that I could recall every instance in our lives where their behaviour had upset me. Reliving those memories meant I could justify holding on to my hurt, bafflement and anger. Or did it? Their actions hurt my own children and that added to my sense of outrage. I communicate with Father through my written word, in my journal. So my prayer became “Father I forgive them fully and completely for hurting myself and my family, for not putting us before them on a variety of occasions, for not actually being who they were born to be, for choosing a life I cannot comprehend, for shutting me out and shutting me down.
When we pray to forgive we need to be specific, real and honest. He already knows. It’s like balm, this non-judgemental acceptance Father has for us. We need to acknowledge how we felt, how we feel, and recognise it for what it is.
It’s poison damaging our peace. Anything that we hold on to that causes us damage grieves our Father. So we need to ask Him to forgive us for holding on to the memories, damaging ourselves, our lives, and ultimately damaging our relationship with that person.
This unforgiveness stopped me reaching out to this person as I couldn’t see them clearly through the storm of emotions that surround them. I said to God “I can write that you want our hearts, not our lifestyles but because of already existing feelings about this person I judged them harshly for their choices. I know what the bible says about this but it’s not up to me to judge them”.
Christ loves them, Christ died for them as much as He did me. If they turn around and seek God, He will deal with their heart and their choices. In fact, the word says in John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave…”. That’s everyone, including all my family members. Me holding unforgiveness and judgement is actually a barrier between them and Father, and myself & Father. As my writing prayer unfolded so did the honesty that is needed to deal with this situation. When we stop lying to ourselves and see how human we are, it is right to be humbled and seek forgiveness, both to release yourself and the other person.
After I had repented and asked for forgiveness in my actions towards this person I realised that the memories still stung a bit and if I didn’t deal with that there was the strong possibility that the hurt/pain/bitterness would return. However, God showed me a better way.
We need to apply healing balm to each and every memory. We need to ask God to remove the sting of words spoken, and actions carried out. We need to allow Him to soothe and ease each and every memory so as to remove any possibility of a shadow.
I love the way The Passion Translation interprets Psalm 139:5 “You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. With your hand of love upon my life, you impart a blessing to me.” He stands as a barrier between my past and my present. Once He has dealt with situations from our past He closes the door and stops them pushing into our present.
He is so incredibly faithful. It is also a choice, to allow God to close the door. Philippians 3:13-14 says “But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.” I can look back now into those very situations that cause me pain and feel no pain now. I have even reached out to this person and found no shadow when I look at them.
