“When I was sexually assaulted, I felt infected by darkness and so I stepped into the shower and I scrubbed and I scrubbed…”
“Do not mess these up”, I say. My tone is unusually serious; “Please come home with them white, not brown.” She gazes up at me nodding, wide-eyed and beautiful. Instantly I realised the impossibility of the task I’ve set before her. You see, this girl is an adventurer, a thrill-seeker. She takes pleasure in climbing trees and derives joy in exploring dense woodland and sandy beaches. And here I am, telling her that her new trainers must stay white.
I’ve always had a problem with dirt. In play school, I hated sticky hands, so I didn’t choose cutting and sticking. In secondary school, I was convinced I would contract disease from touching the door handles, so I would wash my hands repeatedly. When I was sexually assaulted, I felt infected by darkness and so I stepped into the shower and I scrubbed and I scrubbed, watching the suds disappear down the plughole and hoping that the scuffs on my soul would be rinsed away with them. But they were not. Not that day. From then on, whenever the darkness and dirt rose within me, I would retreat. I would emotionally withdraw. That’s where Jesus found me; in the darkness, curled up, hiding my face. And that day, the darkness trembled. “The light shineth in darkness, and darkness comprehended it not.” John 1:5 (KJV).
“Perhaps just sweep this one under the carpet? Sorry to burst your bubble, but He can still see it, our Father, who knows the depths of the heart…”
One Who can Heal
We all at times, are afraid of dirt; our own, and other people’s. Have you ever felt like someone else’s sin is stuck to you? Maybe you’ve been abused, and you cannot scrub away the names you’ve been called, the bruises on your body, the arrows in your heart. There is one who can heal you. In fact, He wants to! Jesus longs for you to bring your wounds, your struggles, your secrets and your sins to Him. Sometimes, without realising it, I delay this process in my life. “I’ll deal with it tomorrow”, I think, “or maybe next week, if not next week, definitely, next month.” We believe we need to straighten ourselves out first, before we can feel ‘clean’ enough to approach God. Or that we need to do a few good works. Perhaps just sweep this one under the carpet? Sorry to burst your bubble, but He can still see it, our Father, who knows the depths of the heart. And He loves you just the way you are. Why? “Yet now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” – Colossians 1:22, (NIV).
If you have been lurking in the darkness, if you have withdrawn from friends and loved ones, if you feel contaminated by your own sin today, turn towards God. Openly show Him your dirt. Experience His gentleness, His teaching, His heart towards you. Climb those trees, run across that sand and know freedom. And if your white trainers come back scuffed…hand them over to your heavenly father, and see how He cleans and repairs them for you, see how he makes them new!
