I have been so good at self-condemnation and believing the lie that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that I am a failure. Why was this the case? Because like many other Christians, I believed that it was all about me. That my faith stood and fell on what I believed. That in ‘sinning’ God would reject me. I forgot the fundamental truth – that it was never about me.
The LORD gave me the grace to get lost. Now I know that this is not strictly scriptural, however I believe I can prove what I mean by using the scriptures to underline what the Lord has been, and is continuing to do, in my life.
Luke 22:31 says’ Simon Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat, but I have prayed for you Simon that your faith may not fail and when you return strengthen your brothers.’
Psalm 37 v 23-24says ‘The Lord makes firm the steps of those who delight in Him; though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord upholds them with His right hand’.
I believe the key verse in the scripture for me from Luke above is “and when you return.” From this scripture I see that there is an interval between the time we fall and the time we return. In fact, it took Peter a while after he betrayed Jesus to understand what happened and reclaim his place within the apostles. A space between when he failed and when he returned. Again, in the scripture from Psalm 37 above I believe there is a space between the stumble and the fall. It is in this interval we find grace. We can stumble without falling on occasion. We don’t even realise we’ve stumbled or moved off His path. It can take disaster, or illness, plague (Coronavirus), to show us we’ve fallen and how far.
How often do we assume, when we see how far we have messed up by making a mistake, or failing in some way, that God has forgotten us, abandoned us, and will never forgive us? Or that we are so far away, so far outside of His will that we have condemned ourselves? I have been so good at self-condemnation and believing the lie that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that I am a failure. Why was this the case? Because like many other Christians, I believed that it was all about me. That my faith stood and fell on what I believed. That in ‘sinning’ God would reject me. I forgot the fundamental truth – that it was never about me. It is about God and what He did through Jesus Christ, John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world that He sent his one and only son…”.
It was never about us, but about Him and what He did! And yet it was all about us. Everything He did was because He loved us and wanted us to know Him. Being ‘accepted’ and ‘acceptable’ to God is not dependent on us, but we have a choice whether we accept the truth or not.
Just like the Israelites, I have spent much time in the desert. I have wandered far, and I have complained constantly that life was very difficult. Read the book of Numbers and see how often they complained, even when they were eyewitnesses and recipients of signs and wonders as God supernaturally broke through and saved them. I have also been a spiritual nomad, and when times got hard I have walked away from churches I have been in, and even friends. I have gone my own way. I have allowed the circumstances of my life to dictate how I serve the Lord or don’t serve him. I am aware that the life that I have led has not always been honourable or filled with integrity. I don’t stand before you as somebody that has all the answers. Through my book, I will show you my life and you will see the journey I have been on. It has been up and down. I have struggled with my faith, I have struggled with my life, my health, my family, and my past. But I know now that even in that struggle, even when I have seemed so far away from God, that God has never been far away from me.
God has said in Hebrews 13:5 that “He will never leave us or forsake us”. He does not leave us even when we struggle, even when we walk away. “God is not human, that He should lie, nor a human being, that He should change His mind” (Numbers 23:19). Therefore, if he says He will never leave us, or forsake us then that is the Truth. If His word says He loves us unconditionally, that is the Truth. The main reason for our failure to comprehend this is that we don’t fully understand who He is and therefore don’t know who we are.
I have struggled with my identity. I thought my identity was in my motherhood, in my qualifications, in my job. Take time to reflect on your own identity. When someone asks you who you are, what do you lead with? Do you lead with your marital status? Your job? Your children? Often what we speak first is how we identify ourselves. Did you know that God has never struggled with your identity? He has always known us, and He has always loved us. Psalm 139 verses 1-4 talks about how well God knows us:
“O Lord, you have searched me, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord”.
Nothing we have ever done has been a surprise to Him yet we are constantly being surprised by Him! This could be because we don’t know Him as well as He knows us. We can pray and believe He is going to answer us, but do we really expect Him to move? Do you feel worthy of standing in His presence? Your worthiness and your qualifications do not come from you! It’s Him who qualifies us in the first place! 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 says “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of the new covenant.”
Excerpts from In Lockdown With Father by Lynn Allan
