Crucially, Stuart’s mum and dad had split up when he was 6 years old and part of the problem was that he had not taken to the new partner that had come to live with them. So he had been in and out of the Care system for 8 years. He had tried one or two returns home, but they had continually broken down, and fights between father and son escalated.
Earlier, it was good to share about how Father God provides for our every need. Unfortunately, we live in a fatherless generation, where absent fathers are becoming a curse on the land.
“He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children. To their fathers Or else I will come And strike the land with a curse” (Malachi 4 verse 6).
“A father To the fatherless…” (Psalm 68 verse 5).
Stuart
For 34 years I worked in education mainly within the context of ‘deprived’ areas. In the final 5 years of teaching, and training teachers, I worked with children who were ‘in care’, or vulnerable children who were at risk of exclusion or non-attendance at school. I came across many young people during this time, and almost without fail, they were the product of problems in the area of parenting, where key aspects of being properly nurtured were missing, or had been lacking in their formative years: I share just one indelible memory here.
Details on 15 year-old Stuart (not his real name) landed on my desk one morning, and going through the file I seriously wondered if I should even consider working with him on my own! He had recently been with several Residential Care providers but had been excluded from each of them for threatening or violent behaviour; he was at present undergoing court proceedings for grievous bodily harm against a teacher.
In all current reports it identified that no staff could be left on their own with him and he had to be supervised on a 2:1 basis.
His most recent anger outburst had been to take a chainsaw to the perimeter fence of their residential school grounds, and once again he was being ’asked to leave’. In the UK, young people must receive state education by law until the age of 16. So my aim and role would be to meet up with him, develop relationship, work out an individualised programme and try to engage him in educational activities, hopefully not involving chainsaws! In reading reports they revealed that a place in ’care ’ had been requested for him by his dad when Stuart was 7 years old because of his uncontrollable outbursts, and ‘off the wall’ behaviour.
Crucially, Stuart’s mum and dad had split up when he was 6 years old and part of the problem was that he had not taken to the new partner that had come to live with them. So he had been in and out of the Care system for 8 years. He had tried one or two returns home, but they had continually broken down, and fights between father and son escalated.
I was under no illusion when I set up my first meeting with Stuart. I had ‘done my homework’, read all reports, and talked with previous establishments and their staff to identify possible triggers for his violence and also opportunities to engage with him. I had met up with dad, and as far as I was concerned covered every possible angle.
From the outset of meeting with Stuart, it became clear that I would throw most of the paperwork away! He was a fine young man, with intelligence, very skilled in a number of areas, and great company. He could hold conversation on almost any topic and loved to talk about current affairs, the 60’s, music, art, cars, healthy living, photography and a whole host of things, including politics and religion (yes he introduced the subjects, me not being allowed to).
I loaned him an electric guitar and amplifier that I had, as he has expressed real interest in Jimmy Hendrix and the Beatles; he produced some beautiful art, based on Andy Warhol’s work; we attended art galleries, and some of his top photographic works was displayed in a nationally – renowned photographer’s exhibition; I was phased or shocked when he spoke about drug culture of the 60’s and by his open comments about his own drug use; he chose and was thrilled to have a day out at a local horticultural centre enjoying photographing the gardens and Victorian orangeries and topical plants.
Since he was very interested and skilled in the area of car maintenance, I secured a place for him at the local garage as mechanic and devised a math scheme for him based around invoices and VAT returns, measurements relating to car engines, tyre pressure etc. He allowed me to do practical Maths and English sessions with him, introducing him to some fine literature and poetry.
So what happened and why did it work out?
Well he craved relationship, real relationship; someone who was interested in him, someone to talk with, and laugh with; someone to share times together, who would enjoy being with him in a non-judgemental, non-authoritarian way; someone who would be like a loving father to him; who would recognise and value his individualism and intelligence. Don’t get me wrong – this young man was a nightmare in the confines of school and Residential Care provision no matter how good these establishments were. He hated being simply told what to do, and how to conform to their regimes and systems; he kicked against authority figures and institutionalism, and like many young people in this situation wanted everything on his terms! But why? Well my view is that he didn’t want rules and regulations he wanted relationship; he wanted to know that he was accepted, that he was liked and loved and his point of view or way of life respected; that he had a purpose and a destiny, that he belonged. And I would venture to say he craved the relationship that had been denied him for most of his life – that of a consistently loving father.
