Selfishness is one big factor behind most betrayal of confidence; character assassination, tale bearing or gossip. I believe that if we would all take a moment in our minds to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we would do a lot of things differently.
In proverbs 11:13, the Bible says that a tale bearer reveals secrets, and I agree. I used to think tale bearers don’t know any better, but I have come to observe that most tale bearers reveal other people’s secret but keep their own secrets showing that they know better than to air other people’s dirty laundry. To me, this is a direct contravention of what is often referred to as the ‘golden rule’ which requires you to treat others the very way you would like them to treat you (Lk 6:31). Come on, there are many ways to raise a prayer point for me without making my personal issue a matter of public deliberation. If we are really one body, then what you heard from me or about me in confidence, you would guard as much as you would guard yours, even when discussing with your closest friend. If you consider me a part of your family, you wouldn’t use my personal issues as an example from the pulpit without my permission.
The Making of a Tale Bearer
The person described in Proverbs 11:13 above has two ugly qualities. Firstly, he gossips: bearing tale from place to place (as a talebearer). Secondly, he betrays people’s confidence (reveals secrets). The NIV version of Proverbs 11:13 says: “a gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret”. This is disturbing as our God is a keeper of secrets and mysteries (Prov 25:2). Not every gossip is a secret, but the general problem with reported speech (which is the fundamental of tale bearing) is that the more it moves from one gossip to another, the more the veracity and integrity are lost.
The words of a talebearer are as wounds and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly (Prov 18:8). That sounds like murder to me. No wonder the term ‘character assassination’ is also used to qualify the ignoble act of tale bearing or gossiping.
In my opinion, the honour and integrity of a Godly woman or man depend, to a large extent, on their ability to hold their tongue. Since the majority of tale bearers are women, it is natural for the mind to picture women whenever an article bothering on gossiping is read. However, right from the bible days, men have been actively involved in the act of gossiping and tale bearing. The difference, in my opinion, is that men are not as dramatic and patronising as women when they gossip. I describe the men’s gossip as ‘executive gossip’ because they tend to do it with candour and fine demeanour.
I have also observed that there are two kinds of tale bearers. There are those who purposely go about revealing people’s secrets or spreading bad rumours at will, which is sheer wickedness. Then there are those who are naturally so loquacious that before they know it themselves, they are done spilling things they were told in confidence, only to regret it afterwards. Talebearers who belong to the latter category sometimes also reveal their own secrets unintentionally, which shows that they are in dire need of help with ‘tongue control’.
It Takes Two to Tango!
The issue of tale bearing or gossiping often sounds petty and trivial. Unfortunately, however, it is far more serious than we often realize. It has the power to make any women’s group a horrible place to be in. It is the reason behind the backsliding of a lot of people and the reason why a lot of folks have stopped coming to church. People’s hearts are more delicate than we realize. Gossiping is the reason behind many divorces and broken relationships. It is the reason why sometimes, we are suspicious of one another and cannot fully relax in one another’s presence. It is the reason why nowadays, people are reluctant to testify openly in church even when God does something astonishing. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes at least two to gossip. So, even If you are not a gossip yourself, you have a part to play in this – you can refuse to be the dumping ground. Together, we can stop this ‘soul murder’; together we can stop this kingdom-scattering scheme.
If something is not worth saying before the person concerned, it is probably not worth saying at all.
If truly you are your brother’s keeper, keep his secrets.
